1 00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:04,139 Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians 2 00:00:04,140 --> 00:00:07,019 Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights 3 00:00:07,020 --> 00:00:09,539 Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians 4 00:00:09,540 --> 00:00:12,659 Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times 5 00:00:12,660 --> 00:00:15,179 Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless 6 00:00:15,180 --> 00:00:17,699 Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages 7 00:00:17,700 --> 00:00:22,819 Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat 8 00:00:22,820 --> 00:00:26,899 The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to... 9 00:00:26,900 --> 00:00:31,540 Horrible Histories. 10 00:00:37,700 --> 00:00:40,459 The Roman army defeated all who stood in their way 11 00:00:40,460 --> 00:00:42,019 as they marched through Europe 12 00:00:42,020 --> 00:00:44,699 and generals who were outstanding in battle 13 00:00:44,700 --> 00:00:47,499 were honoured with a victory parade called a Roman Triumph. 14 00:00:47,500 --> 00:00:52,499 - 4,996. - What are we on, Calculus? 15 00:00:52,500 --> 00:00:55,099 4,996 barbarians killed, sir. 16 00:00:55,100 --> 00:00:57,059 What about that one there with the axe? 17 00:00:57,060 --> 00:01:00,619 - I can't give you that one, sir. He's still moving. - You can now. 18 00:01:00,620 --> 00:01:03,099 4,997. 19 00:01:03,100 --> 00:01:06,299 This will be the first time I've ever killed 5,000 enemies 20 00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:10,379 in one battle and qualified for a Roman Triumph. 21 00:01:10,380 --> 00:01:12,779 Just need three more. Ha! 22 00:01:12,780 --> 00:01:15,979 Two more and then yours truly will be parading 23 00:01:15,980 --> 00:01:18,339 in a chariot through the streets of Rome 24 00:01:18,340 --> 00:01:20,500 to the wild adulation of the crowd. 25 00:01:22,260 --> 00:01:24,380 Oh, please. Oh, please. 26 00:01:26,020 --> 00:01:29,579 - Ooh, is that one there? - Yes, I'll give you that. 27 00:01:29,580 --> 00:01:34,659 He's moving, but he's not going anywhere without his head. 4,999. 28 00:01:34,660 --> 00:01:36,659 Get in! Come on! 29 00:01:36,660 --> 00:01:38,179 One more. 30 00:01:38,180 --> 00:01:40,779 The might of Rome is too much. 31 00:01:40,780 --> 00:01:42,779 We surrender. 32 00:01:42,780 --> 00:01:45,659 What's that? You refuse to surrender? 33 00:01:45,660 --> 00:01:47,379 Carry on fighting, everyone. 34 00:01:47,380 --> 00:01:50,380 The battle is over. You have won this day. 35 00:01:52,500 --> 00:01:54,939 Ha, look he threw his weapons at me. 36 00:01:54,940 --> 00:01:56,459 Fight on, men. 37 00:01:56,460 --> 00:02:01,979 - No, General, he's surrendered. - La, la, la. I can't hear you. 38 00:02:01,980 --> 00:02:04,459 We can't keep fighting them if they've surrendered. 39 00:02:04,460 --> 00:02:07,259 I only need one more death to get my Triumph, my parade. 40 00:02:07,260 --> 00:02:11,459 Just write one down, will you? Look, that one looks dead there. 41 00:02:11,460 --> 00:02:14,419 He's waving. 42 00:02:14,420 --> 00:02:16,139 Are you going to help me or not? 43 00:02:16,140 --> 00:02:18,339 I will not lie on my battle report. 44 00:02:18,340 --> 00:02:22,619 You're either with me or against me. 45 00:02:22,620 --> 00:02:26,339 Thank you. 46 00:02:26,340 --> 00:02:30,699 And one more enemy dead, makes 5,000. Yay! 47 00:02:30,700 --> 00:02:33,299 5,000. 48 00:02:33,300 --> 00:02:34,899 Got 5,000. 49 00:02:34,900 --> 00:02:38,499 - How did we lose to this lot? - 5,000, 5,000. Come on, everybody. 50 00:02:38,500 --> 00:02:40,539 5,000. 51 00:02:40,540 --> 00:02:42,779 If you were awarded a Roman Triumph, 52 00:02:42,780 --> 00:02:45,659 you paraded through the streets of Rome on a chariot. 53 00:02:45,660 --> 00:02:48,539 You can read all about it in a book. 54 00:02:48,540 --> 00:02:50,339 That's right, a book. 55 00:02:50,340 --> 00:02:52,739 An exciting new Roman invention. 56 00:02:52,740 --> 00:02:55,499 Intuitive, revolutionary. 57 00:02:55,500 --> 00:02:57,339 Ancient Rome is delighted to announce 58 00:02:57,340 --> 00:03:02,019 the launch of the all new aBook, the take-anywhere reading solution. 59 00:03:02,020 --> 00:03:05,659 aBook is amazing. Up until now the only way to get your 60 00:03:05,660 --> 00:03:09,579 poetry to the masses was by writing it down on long, awkward scrolls. 61 00:03:09,580 --> 00:03:11,819 Or by shouting really loud. 62 00:03:11,820 --> 00:03:13,779 Now aBook has changed all that. 63 00:03:13,780 --> 00:03:15,819 With new aBook you simply turn the page, 64 00:03:15,820 --> 00:03:19,939 using the unique turnable pages to reveal new information. 65 00:03:19,940 --> 00:03:23,739 By writing data on both sides of the page, new aBook holds 66 00:03:23,740 --> 00:03:27,459 more information in less space than anything that's gone before. 67 00:03:27,460 --> 00:03:30,219 What's more, the unique hardwearing cover means 68 00:03:30,220 --> 00:03:34,659 your writing is safe from anything the Roman world might throw at it. 69 00:03:34,660 --> 00:03:36,259 Well, within reason. 70 00:03:36,260 --> 00:03:38,939 Incredibly clever yet incredibly simple, 71 00:03:38,940 --> 00:03:44,579 aBook is the new book that rewrites the book on writing books. 72 00:03:44,580 --> 00:03:49,299 - And coming soon from the makers of aBook, aNother Book. - Oh, no. 73 00:03:49,300 --> 00:03:53,099 I just got used to using this one and they're bringing another one out? 74 00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:55,980 Typical. Ha-ha. Funny. 75 00:03:59,220 --> 00:04:02,259 Bonjour and welcome to Middle Ages France. 76 00:04:02,260 --> 00:04:07,939 Home to poor peasants like me and rich aristocrats like this prankster. 77 00:04:07,940 --> 00:04:11,779 Woo-hoo! Hey. What's up, prank fans? 78 00:04:11,780 --> 00:04:16,499 My name is Robert Artois and you are watching You've Been Artois'd. 79 00:04:16,500 --> 00:04:20,219 The red-hot hidden camera show that is both wook and gnarly. 80 00:04:20,220 --> 00:04:26,179 You see, I know those words. I am street, no? Woo-hoo, that's right. 81 00:04:26,180 --> 00:04:27,699 OK, as usual we have rigged up 82 00:04:27,700 --> 00:04:31,379 my beautiful French crib with the coolest, most up-to-date pranking 83 00:04:31,380 --> 00:04:33,539 technologies the Middle Ages can offer. 84 00:04:33,540 --> 00:04:36,299 All we need now is some friends to come round, 85 00:04:36,300 --> 00:04:40,859 some dukes and duchesses, and then we crank up the pranks. 86 00:04:40,860 --> 00:04:43,660 All right, top of the pops. Let's go. 87 00:04:47,180 --> 00:04:50,659 Woo-hoo! Looks like we got a bite, my prank friends. 88 00:04:50,660 --> 00:04:53,179 Right there is Angelina, she's a good friend of mine, 89 00:04:53,180 --> 00:04:54,979 a real good friend of mine. 90 00:04:54,980 --> 00:04:58,179 She's also a princess from the neighbouring county. 91 00:04:58,180 --> 00:05:00,779 Awesome. 92 00:05:00,780 --> 00:05:03,899 Woo-hoo. Now, what Angelina does not know is 93 00:05:03,900 --> 00:05:07,859 I have buried this water pipe in the middle of my garden path. 94 00:05:07,860 --> 00:05:10,979 It is specially designed to spray cold jets of water 95 00:05:10,980 --> 00:05:12,499 up ladies' dresses. 96 00:05:12,500 --> 00:05:14,140 Boom-boom bang-bang, baby. 97 00:05:16,420 --> 00:05:17,700 Ssh. 98 00:05:19,220 --> 00:05:21,420 SHE SCREAMS 99 00:05:21,980 --> 00:05:24,819 Yeah! Woo-hoo! Ha, ha. 100 00:05:24,820 --> 00:05:28,939 - You've been Artois'd. - What? - You've been Artois'd. 101 00:05:28,940 --> 00:05:33,539 I mean you've been Artois'd, as in me, Robert of Artois. You know me? 102 00:05:33,540 --> 00:05:36,299 We met at the Count De Crystal's dinner party. 103 00:05:36,300 --> 00:05:38,739 You looked so beautiful that night... 104 00:05:38,740 --> 00:05:42,219 That is not important. What's important is you've been Artois'd. 105 00:05:42,220 --> 00:05:46,819 - Why do you keep saying that? - Because you've been Artois'd, girl. 106 00:05:46,820 --> 00:05:49,619 Woo-hoo. Look who else has popped by to say hi. 107 00:05:49,620 --> 00:05:53,139 It's my main man, the Portuguese ambassador. 108 00:05:53,140 --> 00:05:57,819 Boom, baby. It's my spitting statue. Ah, and he's fallen in the nettles. 109 00:05:57,820 --> 00:06:00,739 Excellent. Time for me to go and say hello. 110 00:06:00,740 --> 00:06:04,139 Ah, I will kill whoever did this. 111 00:06:04,140 --> 00:06:07,340 Maybe I just leave it for a little bit, OK? OK. 112 00:06:08,940 --> 00:06:10,380 Ssh. 113 00:06:12,460 --> 00:06:14,059 Woo-hoo! Ha-ha. 114 00:06:14,060 --> 00:06:17,459 My best blood the Lord D'Enfry has just been Artois'd. 115 00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:19,379 You've been Artois'd. 116 00:06:19,380 --> 00:06:22,779 I think I need a doctor. My leg is broken. 117 00:06:22,780 --> 00:06:25,660 All right! Top of the pops. 118 00:06:27,700 --> 00:06:29,779 OK, I think you will agree, 119 00:06:29,780 --> 00:06:32,339 these dudes have made excellent sports, no? 120 00:06:32,340 --> 00:06:34,099 Ha-ho! High five, big brother. 121 00:06:34,100 --> 00:06:36,459 - Who are you? - OK, then. 122 00:06:36,460 --> 00:06:40,219 Next week we have more fun, we have more pranks... 123 00:06:40,220 --> 00:06:43,579 - Ha, you've been Artois'ded. - It's Artois'd. Artois'd, yeah? 124 00:06:43,580 --> 00:06:46,419 No, that is not cool. 125 00:06:46,420 --> 00:06:48,540 That is not cool. 126 00:06:50,460 --> 00:06:52,740 I thought you were my friend. 127 00:06:59,180 --> 00:07:02,459 Ah, this is the life, isn't it? 128 00:07:02,460 --> 00:07:05,419 Me own boy joining me in the family business. 129 00:07:05,420 --> 00:07:07,539 So proud of you, son. 130 00:07:07,540 --> 00:07:10,739 Right, let's get cracking. 131 00:07:10,740 --> 00:07:14,059 This poo isn't going to shift itself. 132 00:07:14,060 --> 00:07:16,339 - Dad? - Yes, son. 133 00:07:16,340 --> 00:07:18,419 I'm not sure this job's for me. 134 00:07:18,420 --> 00:07:21,499 Is it me? Is it my chatter? I know I can go on a bit. 135 00:07:21,500 --> 00:07:23,059 No, Dad. It's not you. 136 00:07:23,060 --> 00:07:26,939 - It's the poo. - What about the poo? - Don't tell me you can't smell it. 137 00:07:26,940 --> 00:07:28,779 No. 138 00:07:28,780 --> 00:07:32,819 If I'm honest, when you first told me I was going to be a gong farmer, 139 00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:35,619 I pictured fields and fresh air. 140 00:07:35,620 --> 00:07:38,899 - Not this. - Look, gong means poo 141 00:07:38,900 --> 00:07:42,419 and your family has been shovelling it up for generations. 142 00:07:42,420 --> 00:07:46,499 Plus, you get sixpence a day and it's a regular nine-to-five job. 143 00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:50,379 I mean, granted it is nine in the evening until five in the morning, 144 00:07:50,380 --> 00:07:54,459 - but you can't have everything, can you son, eh? - It's no good, Dad. 145 00:07:54,460 --> 00:07:57,899 - Gong farming just isn't my thing. - What are you going to do? 146 00:07:57,900 --> 00:08:01,259 My friend's dad is taking me on as an apprentice. He's a tanner. 147 00:08:01,260 --> 00:08:03,739 - A tanner? - I'll learn how to make leather. 148 00:08:03,740 --> 00:08:08,580 - What about the family business? - I just don't want to work with poo. 149 00:08:13,060 --> 00:08:19,739 That's it, lad. Shove the dead animal skin right into the poo, right down. 150 00:08:19,740 --> 00:08:22,260 Smells like it needs a bit more chicken poo. 151 00:08:28,860 --> 00:08:33,459 Did you know the stinky fumes were sometimes so bad that gong farmers 152 00:08:33,460 --> 00:08:35,619 passed out and drowned in poo? 153 00:08:35,620 --> 00:08:39,499 There's no nice way of writing that obituary, I can tell you. 154 00:08:39,500 --> 00:08:42,939 There was no sewer system in Tudor times. 155 00:08:42,940 --> 00:08:45,539 Instead, toilet waste collected in cesspits, 156 00:08:45,540 --> 00:08:47,739 which sometimes had to be emptied out. 157 00:08:47,740 --> 00:08:49,540 KNOCKING 158 00:08:50,620 --> 00:08:52,499 Your Highness, 159 00:08:52,500 --> 00:08:56,899 honour that cannot be expressed in words and joy that cannot be... 160 00:08:56,900 --> 00:08:59,859 - Yes, yes. Do you have a toilet? - Your Majesty? 161 00:08:59,860 --> 00:09:03,259 Oh, come on, it's a perfectly simple question, Sir Thomas. 162 00:09:03,260 --> 00:09:05,899 - Do you have a toilet? - Yes, yes. It's up the stairs. 163 00:09:05,900 --> 00:09:09,179 Excellent. Yes, this will do. 164 00:09:09,180 --> 00:09:11,619 The toilets at Hampton Court 165 00:09:11,620 --> 00:09:15,179 are having their annual clear- out, emptying out all of the um... 166 00:09:15,180 --> 00:09:18,659 - Oh, what's that word that queens don't say? - Poo, Your Majesty. 167 00:09:18,660 --> 00:09:21,099 Exactly. The problem is it makes the palace 168 00:09:21,100 --> 00:09:23,179 rather smell of um... Say it. 169 00:09:23,180 --> 00:09:25,219 - Poo, Your Majesty. - Exactly. 170 00:09:25,220 --> 00:09:28,299 Which is rather unpleasant on my delicate little nose. 171 00:09:28,300 --> 00:09:30,379 So I thought I might come and stay here. 172 00:09:30,380 --> 00:09:34,299 - Of course, Your Majesty. - For a couple of months. - Months? 173 00:09:34,300 --> 00:09:36,219 Is there a problem, Sir Thomas? 174 00:09:36,220 --> 00:09:39,059 Bearing in mind that I am the queen and everything. 175 00:09:39,060 --> 00:09:40,579 Not at all, Your Majesty. 176 00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:42,339 My house is your house. 177 00:09:42,340 --> 00:09:44,299 Well, it's not really, is it? 178 00:09:44,300 --> 00:09:45,939 Your house is much smaller 179 00:09:45,940 --> 00:09:49,139 and less impressive than my house but it doesn't smell of... 180 00:09:49,140 --> 00:09:51,699 - Poo, Your Majesty. - Exactly. 181 00:09:51,700 --> 00:09:53,899 But does my queen not worry that my 182 00:09:53,900 --> 00:09:57,499 humble accommodation may simply not be big enough for us all? 183 00:09:57,500 --> 00:10:00,859 Hm, yes. You might be right. 184 00:10:00,860 --> 00:10:04,019 Right, well, you and your family had better clear off. 185 00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:06,179 Go and live in a tent for a few weeks. 186 00:10:06,180 --> 00:10:09,619 - I don't think... - Excellent, then it's decided. 187 00:10:09,620 --> 00:10:13,619 I shall move in here with my furniture, servants and courtiers 188 00:10:13,620 --> 00:10:16,619 and you and your family shall go and live in the garden. 189 00:10:16,620 --> 00:10:18,619 - Any questions? - Well... - Good. 190 00:10:18,620 --> 00:10:21,899 If there's anything else you need don't hesitate to... 191 00:10:21,900 --> 00:10:23,779 Key. 192 00:10:23,780 --> 00:10:25,500 Cheers. 193 00:10:27,420 --> 00:10:30,140 Well, it's always nice to have visitors. 194 00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:45,580 It's false. 195 00:10:47,420 --> 00:10:49,180 Urgh! 196 00:10:54,260 --> 00:10:59,219 Four eager chefs, four historical eras, but just one prize. 197 00:10:59,220 --> 00:11:01,579 Who will be crowed Historical MasterChef? 198 00:11:01,580 --> 00:11:04,539 We are looking for an exceptional cook 199 00:11:04,540 --> 00:11:08,379 who does exceptional cooking, exceptionally. 200 00:11:08,380 --> 00:11:12,780 I'm shouting for no reason whatsoever. 201 00:11:14,780 --> 00:11:20,299 28-year-old Kamaho has come all the way from Mexico in the 1300s 202 00:11:20,300 --> 00:11:23,899 and is hoping to wow the judges with some Aztec home cooking. 203 00:11:23,900 --> 00:11:26,299 So, Kamaho, what are you cooking for us today? 204 00:11:26,300 --> 00:11:29,979 - Argh! - Well, I was going to do crickets as the starter. 205 00:11:29,980 --> 00:11:33,379 Oh, hang on, you've got one on your head. Don't move. 206 00:11:33,380 --> 00:11:35,939 - Missed. - No, I think you got him. 207 00:11:35,940 --> 00:11:37,499 Now his starter has escaped, 208 00:11:37,500 --> 00:11:40,819 Kamaho must impress the judges with the rest of his Aztec meal. 209 00:11:40,820 --> 00:11:44,179 There are so many fantastic Aztec dishes to choose from. 210 00:11:44,180 --> 00:11:47,659 Iguana, salamander, howler monkey. 211 00:11:47,660 --> 00:11:49,539 What's a howler monkey? 212 00:11:49,540 --> 00:11:53,779 It's a monkey whose howl is so loud it can be heard three miles away. 213 00:11:53,780 --> 00:11:57,539 - Must be the loudest creature on Earth. - It's one of them. 214 00:11:57,540 --> 00:11:59,499 - What's that? - Carrot. - Yeah, I know. 215 00:11:59,500 --> 00:12:01,020 I was a greengrocer. 216 00:12:05,180 --> 00:12:08,019 Kamaho is serving up a main course of hot dog surprise. 217 00:12:08,020 --> 00:12:12,979 - Now, I suppose the surprise is it's real dog. - Oh, no. Of course not. 218 00:12:12,980 --> 00:12:14,979 I mean, it is real dog. 219 00:12:14,980 --> 00:12:18,099 We Aztecs eat dog all the time, so that's not the surprise. 220 00:12:18,100 --> 00:12:22,619 The surprise is I stuffed the tortilla full of red-hot chillies. 221 00:12:22,620 --> 00:12:25,820 Argh! Argh! 222 00:12:27,780 --> 00:12:30,579 After the reception for his main course, 223 00:12:30,580 --> 00:12:33,739 Kamaho is pinning his hopes on his final dish. 224 00:12:33,740 --> 00:12:36,819 I'm getting freshness, coolness. It's soothing. 225 00:12:36,820 --> 00:12:41,540 - What is it exactly? - Frogspawn with tadpoles and lake scum biscuits. 226 00:12:45,420 --> 00:12:48,619 Kamaho, your starter went missing, 227 00:12:48,620 --> 00:12:53,299 your main course was inedible, your dessert was untouchable. 228 00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:56,219 But I really like what you've done to Gregg. 229 00:12:56,220 --> 00:13:00,139 - Argh. - For that reason, you're through to the next round. 230 00:13:00,140 --> 00:13:03,700 - Congratulations. You agree, don't you? - Urgh. - That's a yes. 231 00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:10,699 The Aztecs used to eat a special breed of small dog which 232 00:13:10,700 --> 00:13:14,579 had virtually no hair. The dogs didn't need it in the hot climate. 233 00:13:14,580 --> 00:13:17,579 I ate some dog once, but I had trouble keeping it down. 234 00:13:17,580 --> 00:13:19,339 Down boy, down. Ha, ha, ha! 235 00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:23,980 Aztecs really did eat dog though, as well as howler monkeys. 236 00:13:27,820 --> 00:13:32,699 SHOUTING: I've worked out why we keep getting hunted by Aztecs. 237 00:13:32,700 --> 00:13:34,619 Oh, have you? Why's that, then? 238 00:13:34,620 --> 00:13:39,339 It's cos we make such a loud noise we're easy to find. 239 00:13:39,340 --> 00:13:40,939 Oh, I see. 240 00:13:40,940 --> 00:13:43,779 So that's why we're whispering. 241 00:13:43,780 --> 00:13:46,020 Precisely. 242 00:13:53,060 --> 00:14:00,739 The comfiest of beds. The tastiest of food and five-star service. 243 00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:03,219 Stay here and you won't want to leave. 244 00:14:03,220 --> 00:14:06,579 In fact, you won't be able to. 245 00:14:06,580 --> 00:14:08,019 It's a prison. 246 00:14:08,020 --> 00:14:09,859 Yes, here at Newgate Prison, 247 00:14:09,860 --> 00:14:13,699 you'll be able to enjoy the utmost Georgian luxury. 248 00:14:13,700 --> 00:14:16,059 As long as you've got the money to pay for it. 249 00:14:16,060 --> 00:14:19,859 Yes, in return for a simple bribe, they'll unlock your manacles 250 00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:21,739 for a while, 251 00:14:21,740 --> 00:14:25,299 let you receive visitors in your private room 252 00:14:25,300 --> 00:14:27,459 and even let you keep pets. 253 00:14:27,460 --> 00:14:29,539 I'd like a pig. 254 00:14:29,540 --> 00:14:32,179 Pigs aren't allowed, filthy animals. 255 00:14:32,180 --> 00:14:37,379 In fact, here at Newgate Prison you can live in comfort and luxury. 256 00:14:37,380 --> 00:14:39,499 As long as you don't run out of cash. 257 00:14:39,500 --> 00:14:41,059 Right then, you. 258 00:14:41,060 --> 00:14:44,779 Let's get you out of this private room, get you in a crowded cell 259 00:14:44,780 --> 00:14:47,820 with the rest of the criminal scum. Come on! 260 00:14:48,780 --> 00:14:52,660 You're in luck, a room's just become available. 261 00:14:55,020 --> 00:14:56,619 Newgate Prison. 262 00:14:56,620 --> 00:15:00,379 Book early to avoid disappointment. 263 00:15:00,380 --> 00:15:02,579 If you couldn't afford the nice rooms, 264 00:15:02,580 --> 00:15:05,099 conditions in Newgate were quite disgusting. 265 00:15:05,100 --> 00:15:08,699 The prison was riddled with lice and fleas and, believe me, 266 00:15:08,700 --> 00:15:11,219 I know what that feels like. Oh! 267 00:15:11,220 --> 00:15:14,739 Oh! So Newgate was the most famous Georgian prison, 268 00:15:14,740 --> 00:15:18,979 time to meet the most famous Georgian criminal - Dick Turpin. 269 00:15:18,980 --> 00:15:20,820 Ow, ow, ow! No biting, no biting. 270 00:15:20,821 --> 00:15:27,339 Everyone thinks they know the story Of Dick Turpin's highway glory 271 00:15:27,340 --> 00:15:30,339 But my past is far more gory I was no saint 272 00:15:30,340 --> 00:15:34,299 You think life is one big antic My profession is romantic 273 00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:36,220 Hate to be pedantic But it ain't 274 00:15:43,260 --> 00:15:47,179 - Ho! - As a butcher down in Essex I was handy with a knife 275 00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:50,779 Had a side-line as a poacher Led a less than honest life 276 00:15:50,780 --> 00:15:54,179 The notorious gang of Gregory Liked my style and dedication 277 00:15:54,180 --> 00:15:57,859 They signed me up and gave me a real robber's education 278 00:15:57,860 --> 00:15:59,339 We rampaged through the Essex farms 279 00:15:59,340 --> 00:16:01,019 We stole and robbed and fought 280 00:16:01,020 --> 00:16:04,459 But when the law came for us I escaped and they got caught 281 00:16:04,460 --> 00:16:11,219 - I became a highway man Was daylight robbery - Ho! 282 00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:18,259 - I was no Prince Charming Nothing dandy about me - Ho! 283 00:16:18,260 --> 00:16:21,299 The truth is I was violent And with my good mate Matt King 284 00:16:21,300 --> 00:16:24,459 Robbed travellers at gunpoint Money, watches, anything 285 00:16:24,460 --> 00:16:26,499 My horse it wasn't called Black Bess 286 00:16:26,500 --> 00:16:29,499 Although that's what you've read Was no romantic hero 287 00:16:29,500 --> 00:16:31,019 Shot not one but two men dead 288 00:16:31,020 --> 00:16:34,659 The legend that surrounds me Misses out the crucial part 289 00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:38,219 I was a ruthless killer With a ruthless killer's heart 290 00:16:38,220 --> 00:16:44,659 - Was a vicious highwayman A source of pain and tears - Ho! 291 00:16:44,660 --> 00:16:51,699 - When you hear how my story ends You won't believe your ears - Ho! 292 00:16:51,700 --> 00:16:54,819 I ran away to Yorkshire Changed my name to John Palmer 293 00:16:54,820 --> 00:16:58,339 Was sent to prison after stealing chickens from a farmer 294 00:16:58,340 --> 00:17:01,539 Wrote a letter to my family A plea it did relate 295 00:17:01,540 --> 00:17:05,099 The postman saw the envelope And here's the twist of fate 296 00:17:05,100 --> 00:17:08,259 He had taught me how to write So he knew I'd lied 297 00:17:08,260 --> 00:17:11,939 "That's not John Palmer's hand That's Dick Turpin's," he cried 298 00:17:11,940 --> 00:17:18,379 - Was a vicious highwayman My crimes had brought me fame - Ho! 299 00:17:18,380 --> 00:17:21,299 Was stitched up by a postie 300 00:17:21,300 --> 00:17:25,659 - That's not glamorous, that's lame - Ho! 301 00:17:25,660 --> 00:17:31,939 - No more stand and deliver You'll remember this, I hope - Ho! 302 00:17:31,940 --> 00:17:35,259 It's no fun hanging with highwaymen 303 00:17:35,260 --> 00:17:38,820 When you're hanging from a rope. 304 00:18:00,780 --> 00:18:02,860 Ooh, thank you very much. 305 00:18:12,980 --> 00:18:17,179 If you got injured in Viking times, we had some pretty strange ways of 306 00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:18,300 making you better. 307 00:18:19,860 --> 00:18:21,019 All right, all right. 308 00:18:21,020 --> 00:18:25,059 - Don't worry, an ambulance is going to be here soon. - Make way, make way. 309 00:18:25,060 --> 00:18:26,899 Make way, make way, woman. 310 00:18:26,900 --> 00:18:30,179 - Historical paramedics. - You don't look like paramedics. - We're Vikings. 311 00:18:30,180 --> 00:18:31,579 Don't worry, we're very advanced. 312 00:18:31,580 --> 00:18:34,179 We can handle anything, from setting broken bones, 313 00:18:34,180 --> 00:18:37,379 to delivering babies and surgery to magic spells. 314 00:18:37,380 --> 00:18:38,419 What was the last bit? 315 00:18:38,420 --> 00:18:41,059 It doesn't matter, what's important is we save your friend. 316 00:18:41,060 --> 00:18:43,539 - He's been stabbed. - I don't think so. - Clean the wound. 317 00:18:43,540 --> 00:18:45,979 First things first. He could have been cursed. 318 00:18:45,980 --> 00:18:49,579 We need the healing stone from the sword that stabbed him up. 319 00:18:49,580 --> 00:18:53,059 It wasn't a sword. He fell off his bike. 320 00:18:53,060 --> 00:18:55,139 Ah, try this. It might work. 321 00:18:55,140 --> 00:18:56,979 No, it's not working, Nigel. 322 00:18:56,980 --> 00:19:00,059 - We need blood. We need blood! - What, you mean a transfusion? 323 00:19:00,060 --> 00:19:02,899 No, we need the blood from a bull that this man has killed, 324 00:19:02,900 --> 00:19:05,179 then we spread it over the hillside 325 00:19:05,180 --> 00:19:06,939 and leave meat for the elves. 326 00:19:06,940 --> 00:19:08,659 Their magic can save us. 327 00:19:08,660 --> 00:19:10,739 He hasn't killed a bull. 328 00:19:10,740 --> 00:19:12,899 Really? What do you people do all day? 329 00:19:12,900 --> 00:19:16,619 Geoff, I think it's getting worse. This wound could be deep. 330 00:19:16,620 --> 00:19:19,259 - He urgently needs soup. - No, he needs hospital. 331 00:19:19,260 --> 00:19:21,339 Will you stop making words up and listen? 332 00:19:21,340 --> 00:19:23,539 We feed him a soup made of onions, leeks and herbs. 333 00:19:23,540 --> 00:19:25,779 Then we sniff the wound. If we can smell the soup, 334 00:19:25,780 --> 00:19:27,739 that means the belly is punctured. 335 00:19:27,740 --> 00:19:29,859 If we can't smell the soup, that means the wound 336 00:19:29,860 --> 00:19:31,579 isn't as severe as we first thought. 337 00:19:31,580 --> 00:19:33,539 No, I can't smell anything. 338 00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:36,659 - Shall we do a blood test to be sure? - That sounds sensible. 339 00:19:36,660 --> 00:19:39,299 - Start licking his shirt. - But clearly isn't. 340 00:19:39,300 --> 00:19:43,099 Internal wound blood tastes different to that of a flesh wound. 341 00:19:43,100 --> 00:19:46,299 We can determine how serious the wound is by tasting the blood. 342 00:19:46,300 --> 00:19:48,299 - Well? - Strawberry. Ooh, it's nice. 343 00:19:48,300 --> 00:19:52,700 But it's not blood. He's just dropped his ice cream, hasn't he? 344 00:19:54,460 --> 00:19:56,939 He lives! Good work, Geoff. 345 00:19:56,940 --> 00:19:59,739 Let us carve runic symbols into a whalebone to ensure 346 00:19:59,740 --> 00:20:01,979 this young man's good health. 347 00:20:01,980 --> 00:20:06,939 THEY CHANT AND SING 348 00:20:06,940 --> 00:20:09,019 SIRENS WAIL 349 00:20:09,020 --> 00:20:13,580 - Sounds like a proper ambulance. We'd best go. - Run away, run away! 350 00:20:16,060 --> 00:20:18,019 Excuse me, sir. Oh, no. 351 00:20:18,020 --> 00:20:20,179 Jane bring the Medikit. 352 00:20:20,180 --> 00:20:23,460 Oh, and some stain remover. 353 00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:31,779 Polite Victorian society had lots of rules of etiquette 354 00:20:31,780 --> 00:20:35,299 which dictated how men and women should behave towards each other. 355 00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:36,939 Good day. 356 00:20:36,940 --> 00:20:41,580 I just left the pheasant where it was and shot Mr Harrington instead. 357 00:20:43,260 --> 00:20:46,299 Oh, Mr Darbley, I've never known such a great wit. 358 00:20:46,300 --> 00:20:47,859 Oh, you're too kind. 359 00:20:47,860 --> 00:20:51,299 - Well, this looks as good a spot as any. - Oh, yes, it's perfect. 360 00:20:51,300 --> 00:20:53,419 I must say, Miss Pennywhistle, 361 00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:55,739 you really are the most pleasant of company. 362 00:20:55,740 --> 00:20:59,459 Charming of character, bright of mind and with 363 00:20:59,460 --> 00:21:02,059 as pretty a smile as I have ever... 364 00:21:02,060 --> 00:21:05,099 - I have never known such rudeness. - What's that? 365 00:21:05,100 --> 00:21:08,619 Sitting next to a lady in the countryside is entirely improper. 366 00:21:08,620 --> 00:21:12,179 - The very height of Victorian rudeness. - I'm sorry. 367 00:21:12,180 --> 00:21:17,099 Perhaps this humble sandwich would serve by way of an apology. 368 00:21:17,100 --> 00:21:20,939 Perhaps. What, pray tell, is in the sandwich? 369 00:21:20,940 --> 00:21:23,019 Cheese and onion. 370 00:21:23,020 --> 00:21:26,339 Rudeness that cannot be counted on one's fingers or measured 371 00:21:26,340 --> 00:21:28,539 - in one's heart. - What now? 372 00:21:28,540 --> 00:21:30,939 Cheese and onion, Mr Darbley? 373 00:21:30,940 --> 00:21:34,099 There is nothing more rude in polite Victorian society 374 00:21:34,100 --> 00:21:36,139 than for a man to smell of onion. 375 00:21:36,140 --> 00:21:38,019 Yes, of course. 376 00:21:38,020 --> 00:21:41,019 Well, happily there are plenty of non-onion 377 00:21:41,020 --> 00:21:43,059 based delights within the hamper. 378 00:21:43,060 --> 00:21:46,299 I'll just attend to this nosebleed you appeared to have caused 379 00:21:46,300 --> 00:21:49,939 - caused and I'll... Oh, what? - Rudeness beyond human comprehension. 380 00:21:49,940 --> 00:21:54,899 - Come on! - Blowing your nose in public is the height of bad manners. 381 00:21:54,900 --> 00:21:58,219 As it would seem are most things, Miss Pennywhistle. 382 00:21:58,220 --> 00:22:02,499 May I ask where polite Victorian society stands on apple pie? 383 00:22:02,500 --> 00:22:04,499 Apple pie? 384 00:22:04,500 --> 00:22:08,259 Is it considered discourteous, offensive or uncultured? 385 00:22:08,260 --> 00:22:10,419 Well, no. 386 00:22:10,420 --> 00:22:12,699 Is it rude, ill-mannered, 387 00:22:12,700 --> 00:22:16,779 - improper or indiscrete? - I don't believe so, no. 388 00:22:16,780 --> 00:22:20,539 So just to clarify, you have no objection whatsoever to apple pie? 389 00:22:20,540 --> 00:22:22,499 No, of course not. 390 00:22:22,500 --> 00:22:24,020 Good. 391 00:22:25,980 --> 00:22:29,060 Just be thankful I forgot the cream. 392 00:22:31,460 --> 00:22:34,060 Well, he's the rudest man I've ever met. 393 00:22:35,900 --> 00:22:38,620 But he sure can bake. 394 00:22:45,820 --> 00:22:47,340 It's true. 395 00:22:53,500 --> 00:22:58,139 Yes, life in Victorian England could be quite complicated. 396 00:22:58,140 --> 00:23:03,779 Lady Penelope, we've been courting for ten years now 397 00:23:03,780 --> 00:23:07,219 and there's something I must say to you as a matter of urgency. 398 00:23:07,220 --> 00:23:09,139 Yes, Lord Percival, say it 399 00:23:09,140 --> 00:23:10,179 and say it now, 400 00:23:10,180 --> 00:23:13,899 for if my heart beats any faster I will surely faint. 401 00:23:13,900 --> 00:23:20,100 - I... - Yes? - I... 402 00:23:20,580 --> 00:23:22,379 Lost for words? 403 00:23:22,380 --> 00:23:24,779 Then why not say it with flowers? 404 00:23:24,780 --> 00:23:27,899 With the new Victorian floral messaging system 405 00:23:27,900 --> 00:23:31,019 you can literally say it with flowers, because each flower 406 00:23:31,020 --> 00:23:32,819 means a different thing, yeah? 407 00:23:32,820 --> 00:23:35,099 A red tulip means I love you. 408 00:23:35,100 --> 00:23:37,419 A forget-me-not means true love. 409 00:23:37,420 --> 00:23:40,539 A cactus flower means I really love you. 410 00:23:40,540 --> 00:23:43,099 Whatever you need to say, say it with flowers. 411 00:23:43,100 --> 00:23:46,299 Do you by any chance have one that means "I love someone else"? 412 00:23:46,300 --> 00:23:49,699 And another that means "and it's your best friend"? 413 00:23:49,700 --> 00:23:53,179 I can do you a hyacinth. 414 00:23:53,180 --> 00:23:58,299 - I'll take all you've got. - Or for you, an orange lily. 415 00:23:58,300 --> 00:24:00,779 Just give me the cactus. You! 416 00:24:00,780 --> 00:24:03,019 Whatever you need to say, 417 00:24:03,020 --> 00:24:07,460 say it with flowers, with the new Victorian floral messaging system. 418 00:24:08,260 --> 00:24:11,379 Well, I think I got that message. 419 00:24:11,380 --> 00:24:15,739 Anyone got any tweezers? Tweezers? 420 00:24:15,740 --> 00:24:20,539 The Victorian language of flowers is known as floriography. 421 00:24:20,540 --> 00:24:23,819 And here's another example, a dried-out white rose meant, 422 00:24:23,820 --> 00:24:26,139 "I'd rather be dead than go out with you". 423 00:24:26,140 --> 00:24:29,340 Well, either that or "I can't afford a new rose". 424 00:24:33,780 --> 00:24:35,899 The famous Battle of the Somme in 1916 425 00:24:35,900 --> 00:24:39,139 was supposed to be the campaign that would finish 426 00:24:39,140 --> 00:24:43,459 the First World War for good, but that's not quite how it turned out. 427 00:24:43,460 --> 00:24:46,979 Ah, Corporal. Do you have an update for me? 428 00:24:46,980 --> 00:24:50,299 I'm pleased to report, sir, that the Somme campaign is over. 429 00:24:50,300 --> 00:24:53,699 Brilliant. I told you my World War One trench warfare tactics 430 00:24:53,700 --> 00:24:55,139 were state of the art. 431 00:24:55,140 --> 00:24:59,699 So, how much land have we taken back off those dastardly Germans? 432 00:24:59,700 --> 00:25:02,620 Well, sir, we have pushed the enemy back... 433 00:25:04,380 --> 00:25:06,499 - Two miles. - Two? 434 00:25:06,500 --> 00:25:08,699 Oh, that's not very much, is it? 435 00:25:08,700 --> 00:25:11,339 Well, progress nevertheless, what? 436 00:25:11,340 --> 00:25:14,179 I think we should celebrate a job well done. 437 00:25:14,180 --> 00:25:15,899 It has taken five months, sir. 438 00:25:15,900 --> 00:25:18,939 It's always the negatives with you, isn't it, Corporal? 439 00:25:18,940 --> 00:25:21,339 Modern warfare takes time, man. 440 00:25:21,340 --> 00:25:25,619 It's cost us 620,000 men, sir. 441 00:25:25,620 --> 00:25:27,819 Oh, that is rather a lot, isn't it? 442 00:25:27,820 --> 00:25:31,779 But on the plus side we are two miles nearer to Berlin, what? 443 00:25:31,780 --> 00:25:35,019 - How much further to go? - 490 miles, sir. 444 00:25:35,020 --> 00:25:38,899 I see. So we've only moved two miles in five months. 445 00:25:38,900 --> 00:25:41,819 At this rate we should be in Berlin by. .. Don't tell me. 446 00:25:41,820 --> 00:25:47,459 490 divided by two, times by five, carry over the do-dah 447 00:25:47,460 --> 00:25:49,259 and that what's-my-face. 448 00:25:49,260 --> 00:25:51,139 It's over 100 years, sir. 449 00:25:51,140 --> 00:25:54,619 Oh, well, we won't be alive then, will we? 450 00:25:54,620 --> 00:25:57,820 - Not with you in charge, sir, no. - Hm. 451 00:26:03,140 --> 00:26:04,700 Not as tasty as it looks. 452 00:26:07,380 --> 00:26:11,659 In World War One, bombs used the explosive TNT which is made from 453 00:26:11,660 --> 00:26:14,019 glycerine which comes from fat. 454 00:26:14,020 --> 00:26:18,900 So during the war we needed lots and lots of fat. Yuk! 455 00:26:21,820 --> 00:26:25,499 Hello. I'm the Fat King. I know what you're thinking. 456 00:26:25,500 --> 00:26:28,939 He's not fat, he's not a king. Well, you're right on both counts. 457 00:26:28,940 --> 00:26:33,420 They call me that because I'm the boss here and this is my fat factory. 458 00:26:36,180 --> 00:26:40,779 Yes, come down to our fat extraction factory where we'll even turn your 459 00:26:40,780 --> 00:26:42,099 animal poo into fat. 460 00:26:42,100 --> 00:26:47,500 Bring us a big smelly cowpat and let us turn it into fat at... 461 00:26:50,260 --> 00:26:53,299 We'll even convert your waste food into fat. 462 00:26:53,300 --> 00:26:55,979 Don't leave food stuff for the rat 463 00:26:55,980 --> 00:26:58,660 When we can turn it into fat at... 464 00:27:01,380 --> 00:27:04,099 You'll be surprised with what we can turn into fat. 465 00:27:04,100 --> 00:27:06,779 We'll even take your dead horse. 466 00:27:06,780 --> 00:27:09,299 If your horse was hit by a German shell 467 00:27:09,300 --> 00:27:11,779 Bring him here when he starts to smell 468 00:27:11,780 --> 00:27:14,619 We'll melt him down It won't take long 469 00:27:14,620 --> 00:27:17,139 And stick his remains in a big old bomb. 470 00:27:17,140 --> 00:27:21,659 The Germans will be surprised when we fire old Dobbin back at them. 471 00:27:21,660 --> 00:27:23,580 So don't delay, come to the... 472 00:27:25,460 --> 00:27:27,100 Today! 473 00:27:30,540 --> 00:27:34,459 Girls! You're not filming, are you? 474 00:27:34,460 --> 00:27:37,299 Tall tales, atrocious acts, we gave you all the fearsome facts... 475 00:27:37,300 --> 00:27:41,779 Want some more Horrible Histories? Come with me down the time sewers. 476 00:27:41,780 --> 00:27:45,579 Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories. 477 00:27:45,580 --> 00:27:46,979 See you down there. 478 00:27:46,980 --> 00:27:48,179 ..a mystery 479 00:27:48,180 --> 00:27:53,940 Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. 480 00:27:53,990 --> 00:27:58,540 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0